And the Pendulum Swings

It's so amazing to look at the person I was five years ago in relation to the person I am today.  The parent I "was" to be, the things I found so important.  It really is like a pendulum swinging back and forth until it finds balance somewhere in the middle.

I grew up eating a highly processed diet, living in a fairly toxic environment.  Lotions, make-up, perfume, paints, antibiotics, medications, birth control, even recreational drugs.  I was so unaware of the effects these things had on my body.  Nor did I even care much.

Along comes my first child.  Boy did my world get flipped upside down.  I was now responsible for this tiny human!  What I put into my body would sustain her body.  It would mold her health for her life time.  The things in our house were now considered the enemy.  Full of BPA, phlalates, parabens, lead, mercury, and all the other hot button words you can think of.  It was my duty as a mother to shelter her from all of these things.

Then comes number two and the move to an apartment community.  No longer do I have the convenience of choosing my daughters friends.  No longer can I hide her from the Red 40, Yellow 5, corn syrup, soy, and crazy number of other toxic ingredients.  My head may just explode!

Deep.  Breathe.

It's all going to be ok.

I read a book recently that really resonated with me.  "Sandra Dodd's Big Book of Unschooling".  She's very blunt and dry, but I find it so refreshing.  She points out how easy it is to find horror in the every day.  How the world can be your enemy if that's the way you choose to look at things.  She points out that you can't change the world.  Specifically that you can't change the world by boycotting every "bad" company.  By restricting every nasty food or ingredient from the palate of your child.  And in fact how something that you may consider so important to stick to, may shatter the very spirit of this child who looks to you for love and support.

You can change the world by creating peace and love in your own chunk of existence.  You can love your children and share their moments of joy.  You can give and be vulnerable to those around you.  You can choose to see the positive, wonderful things, instead of the doom and gloom.  You can find balance.

Yes, I will continue to buy and prepare nourishing foods for my family.  Yes I will continue to clean with baking soda and vinegar instead of bleach.  Yes, I will still choose to recycle and buy second hand.  I will continue to explain my choices to my children when they ask, but respect their individual choices.  I will choose not to cringe every time they ask for the Nestle candy at the store or an ice-cream from the ice-cream truck.  I will enjoy the peace and love in my home.  I'll allow it to flourish and spread.  This is how I'll change the world.

Unlocking those chains

   It's become very apparent to me lately that some serious healing needs to take place in my world.  Particularly my inner child.  I'm realizing how adult I've always had to be and the wall I've built is strong and sturdy, but not very useful.  Each brick holds a piece of insecurity and fear.
    I look at how this wall impacts my life and how I treat my children.  Not only do I portray this image to the outside world that I've convinced myself was necessary, I lie to myself about who I really am.  I try and believe that I'm this serious, tough, take no shit woman.  I portray an image of stern, albeit wise, and unbreakable.
   But reality?  I'm human.  I'm vulnerable and scared.  I worry about what people think of me.  I worry that I won't be accepted if I show who I really am.  I feel like a burden when I let my feelings show.  I analyze every conversation I have with someone convincing myself that they must be annoyed by how I interact.  I pick apart every little thing.
   The thing is, I know this isn't useful or even true.  Not only am I most critical of my own struggles, I know everyone else has their own struggles.  Why would they put so much focus on mine.  The answer is, they likely wouldn't.
   So, I've made a conscious decision.  It's time to let it all hang out.  It's time to be the goofy, nerdy, lighthearted, emotional, loving, passionate, silly person that I am deep down inside.  It's time to break down the wall and show myself, and my beautiful daughters that you can be yourself.  It's time to stop worrying about what anyone else might think of me and instead, offer support knowing that they too, struggle just as much as I do.