Science and smiles

 With winter coming in we've been cooped up in the house quite a bit.  We've been enjoying some simple experiments.

 They love doing oobleck.

A little coffee filter art.

Family night roll out cookies

We recently decided to have "family night" once a week as a way for all four of us to connect.  Sugar cookies are always a big hit.  The girls thoroughly enjoyed eating the sprinkles while we waited for the cookies to bake.

She loves time with Daddy!

 Marley is very intent on getting the sprinkles open.

 Time to decorate.

Pebbles and sunshine

I left a trail of breadcrumbs in case I might need to return.  But as the years passed by I became more content with the squirrels and sparrows nibbling at the morsels on the overgrown path behind me.  As the light ahead grew brighter, I seldom remembered to turn around to the foot prints in the dirt.

My daughter

Baby giggles, tummy tickles, soft breath on my chest.

I hold you close to smell your smell, and soak in all the rest.

Tonight will pass, tomorrow will come, and my baby will be no more.

But a bright young girl with stars in her eyes,

And fire in her core.

How bittersweet, the song of life, that plays for all to hear.

That life I bore could grow so strong, and brighter every year.

As time flies by and age grows heavy,

I'll hold this one thing dear.

The life I grew inside my womb, has made my path so clear.

You're the reason, the only answer, to the burning inquiry.

To be your mother, the greatest honor, is the only answer that I need.

It's yours, take it.

You.
Take control.
You think your mind just may explode?
With heavy heart and anchored thoughts.
Sink or swim.
Is it that complicated?
Or easy?

What if you could float?Along.Sing a song and. land.On your own two feet.In no one's shoes but your own.Soles a little worn,But no worse for ware.You are.Just dust in the wind, as they say.But even dust will fuck shit up.At the right speed.

Hiking in the Afternoon

I left a trail of breadcrumbs in case I might need to return. But as the years passed by I became more content with the squirrels and sparrows nibbling at the morsels on the overgrown path behind me. As the light ahead grew brighter, I seldom remembered to turn around to the foot prints in the dirt. This place was here all along. Crisp, cool air and the kiss of sunshine. I need only see the forest through the trees.

Joy

Infectious giggles tickle my eardrums
Singing the tune of perfect joy
And love
In this fleeting moment I grab on tight with both fists
And hold, embrace
This sweet moment you gave to me.

The Mirror

And so the story goes
It was you, not me.
Can't you see
My glass is not half full, but empty.
My shoes are too tight and my head too heavy.
It's because of you that I feel so weary.
You didn't know how to make me feel,
Whole.
You didn't see that my heart felt so cold.
Why didn't you fix what was broken?

My reflection isn't me, is it?
It must be you,
It has to be
If it were me
I'd have...
Responsibility.

But.
You're right.
It was me all along.
I own all this mess
It's all my own song.
The cobwebs and dust, that hang from the walls,
All. Mine.

I can see now that the pain, and the divine
All belong to me.
You are only an image
Of what I want to be
Or don't.
I have the choice to love, to feel, to own
The beauty of the chaos that swirls inside of me.

And the Pendulum Swings

It's so amazing to look at the person I was five years ago in relation to the person I am today.  The parent I "was" to be, the things I found so important.  It really is like a pendulum swinging back and forth until it finds balance somewhere in the middle.

I grew up eating a highly processed diet, living in a fairly toxic environment.  Lotions, make-up, perfume, paints, antibiotics, medications, birth control, even recreational drugs.  I was so unaware of the effects these things had on my body.  Nor did I even care much.

Along comes my first child.  Boy did my world get flipped upside down.  I was now responsible for this tiny human!  What I put into my body would sustain her body.  It would mold her health for her life time.  The things in our house were now considered the enemy.  Full of BPA, phlalates, parabens, lead, mercury, and all the other hot button words you can think of.  It was my duty as a mother to shelter her from all of these things.

Then comes number two and the move to an apartment community.  No longer do I have the convenience of choosing my daughters friends.  No longer can I hide her from the Red 40, Yellow 5, corn syrup, soy, and crazy number of other toxic ingredients.  My head may just explode!

Deep.  Breathe.

It's all going to be ok.

I read a book recently that really resonated with me.  "Sandra Dodd's Big Book of Unschooling".  She's very blunt and dry, but I find it so refreshing.  She points out how easy it is to find horror in the every day.  How the world can be your enemy if that's the way you choose to look at things.  She points out that you can't change the world.  Specifically that you can't change the world by boycotting every "bad" company.  By restricting every nasty food or ingredient from the palate of your child.  And in fact how something that you may consider so important to stick to, may shatter the very spirit of this child who looks to you for love and support.

You can change the world by creating peace and love in your own chunk of existence.  You can love your children and share their moments of joy.  You can give and be vulnerable to those around you.  You can choose to see the positive, wonderful things, instead of the doom and gloom.  You can find balance.

Yes, I will continue to buy and prepare nourishing foods for my family.  Yes I will continue to clean with baking soda and vinegar instead of bleach.  Yes, I will still choose to recycle and buy second hand.  I will continue to explain my choices to my children when they ask, but respect their individual choices.  I will choose not to cringe every time they ask for the Nestle candy at the store or an ice-cream from the ice-cream truck.  I will enjoy the peace and love in my home.  I'll allow it to flourish and spread.  This is how I'll change the world.

Unlocking those chains

   It's become very apparent to me lately that some serious healing needs to take place in my world.  Particularly my inner child.  I'm realizing how adult I've always had to be and the wall I've built is strong and sturdy, but not very useful.  Each brick holds a piece of insecurity and fear.
    I look at how this wall impacts my life and how I treat my children.  Not only do I portray this image to the outside world that I've convinced myself was necessary, I lie to myself about who I really am.  I try and believe that I'm this serious, tough, take no shit woman.  I portray an image of stern, albeit wise, and unbreakable.
   But reality?  I'm human.  I'm vulnerable and scared.  I worry about what people think of me.  I worry that I won't be accepted if I show who I really am.  I feel like a burden when I let my feelings show.  I analyze every conversation I have with someone convincing myself that they must be annoyed by how I interact.  I pick apart every little thing.
   The thing is, I know this isn't useful or even true.  Not only am I most critical of my own struggles, I know everyone else has their own struggles.  Why would they put so much focus on mine.  The answer is, they likely wouldn't.
   So, I've made a conscious decision.  It's time to let it all hang out.  It's time to be the goofy, nerdy, lighthearted, emotional, loving, passionate, silly person that I am deep down inside.  It's time to break down the wall and show myself, and my beautiful daughters that you can be yourself.  It's time to stop worrying about what anyone else might think of me and instead, offer support knowing that they too, struggle just as much as I do.
 

Open your eyes

It's funny how sometimes you don't realize your desired destination until you've been on the road for awhile.  These 2 wonderful balls of joy and energy have led me to my life path.  Until then, the rest seems kind of unimportant.  I've done a lot of things in my life.  Some that most would consider crazy.  But funny enough, memories are only stories.  I know they happened but over time they become eschewed and dreamlike.  That's not the person I am anymore.  I've shed that skin many times over since.  I will continue to do so until the day I leave this existence.

It's easy to ask what it all means.  What is the point of all of this?  More and more I realize that the point is now.  The small joys and victories in the present moment.  Nothing else makes any difference.  All that has happened not only can't be changed, but no longer exists.  Again, only stories distorted over time.  Tomorrow?  Also doesn't exist.  It is only a dream of desires and anxieties.

None of these points are new concepts.  The challenge is living these concepts.  It's so easy to get caught up in all of the little things that don't matter.  To dwell on things that no longer serve any purpose.  But I'm learning.  Learning to let go of all the baggage.  All of the things that no longer exist or serve purpose in my life.

I do this for myself, but more importantly for my children.  They deserve to watch the world spin in the palm of their hands.  To pluck each thought of wonderment from the surface and see it for what it is, then set it free like a butterfly.  They deserve all of this, just for being born.  For being who they are.  For growing in to the women they will become.  It's imperative that I don't get in their way.  That I hold their hands and follow them.

This is our journey.  The smooth trails, the rocky cliffs.  All of it beautiful and wonderful.  I'm so lucky I get to travel with them, and see the world through youthful eyes once again.